“Why do you hurt yourself Carrie Ann?  You are so beautiful.”

“I know,” I reply.  “This is just temporary.  A way to feel it all as deeply as I possibly can, so that I do not do this again.”

“The way is through you, my dearest one.  This is all just a part of who you are becoming.  You have to go through it all.  This loss, this shift, this rise.  You must be reduced before you can Become.  You thought you were reduced the last time you sat here and let your heart out, but you were not, you beautiful thing. Not yet.  This is your reduction and you must do your part and I promise you my love, you will rise through your Becoming into something so truly beautiful, something so powerful in your truth, that very few will be able to look at you fully. 

Those few, you already know them.  You know them and they wait to hold your true beauty and marvel at what they already knew was there in you.  They’ve just been waiting for you to discover it too.  They are waiting for you to let go of the wounds, and the feeling that you are less than, and not worthy, because you are, and you know you are, deep down in your soul.  You are afraid to look at it fully because it frightens you – you do not believe you are worthy enough to wear something so beautiful, but you are my love.  You are.  This pain is just something that had to happen so that you would turn in to yourself to find that beauty, and know that it IS you.  You cannot run from her, or fear her.  You and she are one and the same.”

“This is just all so hard,” I said, defeated.

“I know my love.  Letting go of anything, truly, always is.  But it must be this way, regardless of what you want or need right now.  It just is and you must let it all go and birth yourself into who you must be now.  It is time.  You are ready, whether you believe it so or not.  This is who you have always been, my love.  It is time for you to claim her.”

“What if I fail?”  I whisper.

“You can’t fail at being you, my beautiful woman.  Your soul is Grace itself.  You just have to own that.  You just have to lay down the mantle of unworthiness you feel and know this yourself.”

“I’m ready,” I answered.  “I’m so very ready.”

“But it hurts so very much.  And I feel so very lost.”

“I know my love.  I know.  It’s ok.  Just let this process happen.  It always hurts to give birth.  It is a painful process.  But you are a woman and you already know how to do it.  It is one of your greatest gifts.  It is sown into your bones, my beautiful Queen.  You just have to rise into it now, fully, and stop struggling against it.  Just breathe through the pain.  Do not suffer it. You must embrace it. You are so beautiful to me, I know you will rise.  You have risen through so much already.  And you will rise through this. It is time for the world to know your wings. Do not be afraid any longer.  You have always been enough, just as you are.  You don’t need to fight anymore.  You are enough.  Let the world see you.”

“I’m so afraid.”

“It’s ok my love.  I’m right here with you.  It cannot tear you apart; it only feels as if it will. But you are stronger than that, beautiful woman.  Giving birth to others is the easy part.  Giving birth to ourselves is far more painful, far more messy.  It requires you to be on your knees, spread wide, and completely naked.  It requires surrender.  You must let go.  You just must.  You must Become now my beautiful one.  Become who you have always been.  You must let her Become now.  You must.”

“This is so hard.”

“I know my love, I know.”

“I feel so alone.”

“This is something you have to do alone my love. But I am here, holding your hand, always”

“Thank you,” I whispered in reply.

This is the journey of my Becoming.